I Was That Quiet Kid...

I was that quiet kid. The one often picked on, teased, beat the hell DOWN. Commanded absolutely NO respect from anybody including myself. I don't think I ever really started believing in myself or fully respecting myself until I met my wife and even then until she gave birth to my one and only daughter Jocelyn (who is now 5 going on 6 this August 2014). I got to be in there while they cut my woman in half to take my little girl out of her belly. After the initial white powdered doughnut alien baby looking phase, in the nursery I got to spend time with my little girl by ourselves. When I walked in I heard her crying while laying beneath her little tanning bed. I calmly approached, nervous as hell because this is my first time meeting the reason I was even born. I didn't know what I was going to say (not that it mattered since she obviously hadn't learned english yet).

When I made it to her side, she turned her head and she grabbed my finger and she stopped crying while she looked directly into my eyes. I could feel the tear step proudly out of my eye and go running down my face to the floor. Could probably even hear it hit the floor because it was so quiet in the room at the moment. The first thing I told her is to not be afraid, her Daddy was here. I proceeded to tell her a little bit about myself, my name, where I'm from and told her a little about HERSELF, HER name, where she's from, how Daddy's probably from Mars or something... I told her how she saved my life and how I will be paying her back until I'm dead and gone and even then I'm still going to do everything in my power to look after her. It's the least I could do for my savior.

Dealing with the struggle of bipolar disorder and post traumatic stress I was prone to suicidal thoughts from time to time (pretty heavy during certain times/situations). During my wife's pregnancy I started to panic that I was not going to be a good father and I was very worried up until the birth. That alone time I got to spend with my little angel in the beginning moments of her post-womb life seemed to immediately give me a shot of courage and a self esteem boost. I literally had the chills from my feet to my forehead, I was on cloud 9 and feeling like I knew right then and there what love really is and like I said before I knew my purpose for living.

Fast forward nearly 6 years later and now I'm pretty much living in fear for this little girl. As the years go by it seems to get crazier and crazier out there outside this apartment. Kids aren't safe in school, at playgrounds, in churches, on school buses or even in their own damn homes. Predators of all kinds and colors and genders are preying on these children THEN you've got the predators that kill kids accidentally while trying to kill their so-called rivals/enemies. So shit, kids aren't even safe when it comes to CHANCE. We can blame media for spreading negative stories all we want but that's just a weak cop out in my opinion and it's us, the people, that are to blame for all that is wrong in our communities and it is us, the people, that are supposed to be cleaning up and setting things straight again.

Growing up in the 80's and 90's I saw a lot and I learned a lot. Being the quiet kid that I was I got to observe very closely the ways of the world, nation, state, city, neighborhood and my own family. Philadelphia was/is a very tough place to grow up in for a peaceful person. I was around so much racism and experienced so much hate and violence that I'd develop ptsd from it. I did very well in school until 10th grade when I dropped out but I left because it just wasn't for me PLUS like I said I was constantly being messed with and threatened so I just got away from it. I did especially well in subjects like social studies & history. While learning the versions of history that schools are dishing out I also studied independently at home and the library to be able to develop my own opinions and thoughts. It was around these teen years that I lost faith in a God too and crossed religion off my list of worth while things to do.

I was living in an environment that was an all out contradiction to the religion that the people all claimed they were devoted followers of. The hypocrisies were so blatantly obvious and clear to me that I can't believe there are so many people that don't see it at all. Naturally this makes me the outcast in society and the white sheep of the family because I do not follow the majority of the people. Philadelphia is a beautiful city but at the same time it is a very ugly city that will snuff you out if you're not careful. But I'm learning that this is actually true for most cities and well the entire country. I've never been outside the united states, heck, I've never been to the west coast but the east coast and mid west I am seeing pretty much the same things. Ignorance, hate and greed living well while hope lies slowly dying in the street after being run down by a drunk driving gang banger pulling a drive by while text driving...

Of course over the years I've seen some good and met some wonderful people. I would be a liar if I said that I didn't have legit reasons to smile growing up and that I didn't meet some truly trustworthy people in my life. I also got through a lot of it with the help of many artists. I listened to a lot of music, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Pink Floyd, Richie Havens, Bob Marley, Public Enemy, 2pac, etc. I was also into stand up comedy, but I preferred certain comics. They had to make me think and not just be up there telling jokes to get laughs, to me there is a huge difference. As with music you've got to inspire me to think. A few personal favorites of mine are Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle and Eddie Griffin. These fellas and many others make your ribs hurt from laughing but are also very very deep. Make your brain tingle while you're trying to breathe after laughing so hard.

As an artist I try to make sure I do the same, while above all I see to it that I remain myself. If you're going to be any kind of artist you need to only articulate what YOU feel and think. No matter how many people think they can, you can not express somebody else's feelings or thoughts because you can not feel for them or think for them. You can perhaps relate to them but then that makes it totally different. In fact I wish that we could all relate on this planet because maybe if we could all relate then we'd all know the pains of certain others and immediately put an end to all of the silly bullshit like racism and bigotry, sexism, homophobia, etc.

The artists I look up to, like Griffin, like Hendrix, I see as fellow human beings and fellow artists and even as mentors in some ways but I must say that I am not an awestruck kind of person that gets silly over people's "celebrity". I am not an autograph kind of a guy, I've never asked for one and can't imagine myself asking for one from anybody really. Not saying it is wrong to do so or anything like that I just have never been into that. I'd rather sit down and smoke a joint with the people I look up to or I admire. Sit and smoke and just talk about some real shit, not even ABOUT anything in particular just shoot the breeze, dig some music and chill. That's what life is really all about and that's what I'm about. I gave up drinking years ago so that's about the extent of my "partying" (which makes me the designated driver all the time which is well worth the while).

I was the quiet kid growing up, I still am kind of quiet but not nearly as I was. I love to make people laugh and smile as much as I can. I've been told many times that I should seriously consider doing some stand up but I don't know about that, mostly because I'm just not so comfortable in front of crowds. At a party I let my guard down and I start riffing and get people in stitches laughing but if I had to grab a mic and stand up in front of everybody on display it might make me very nervous. I stopped playing guitar a few years ago and started focusing on my poetry and rap music and now am a studio cat. I prefer being in my own world,  headphones on and a notepad and pen in front of me.

I was that quiet kid, that people didn't seem to give much thought to let alone second thought. I'm back and forth when it comes to determining whether this was a good or bad thing. When I see kids that are sitting quietly looking exactly how I looked when I was their age, it bugs me because I might know how they're feeling inside because I knew how I felt inside and I don't want any people to have to feel that pain. It's really time for people to start making changes in their communities and start protecting and guiding these children better than we are. Never mind public education or government this or government that or state this or state that or this class or that class, WE have to teach our kids the important things as we teach them to be free thinkers and NOT to be followers but to be leaders.